Anecdotes of and from the Forlorn

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Jan. 2nd, 2008 @ 11:20 pm Before.

( Unflattering pictures of me behind the cut. )

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Dec. 31st, 2007 @ 10:19 am Why hello there, eljay friends list.

Hey folks, it's been a while.

I'm at home for another week then it's back to school! only 3 terms left, there's light at the end of the tunnel yet.

I find that as I grow older, I'm becoming more and more detached from the friends I had in high school and closer with my family. I used to enjoy coming home on long breaks to spend time with the folks I went to school with a few years ago, but we've grown apart and no longer have much in common.

I'm not heartbroken by it...in many ways, I'm repulsed by the people my former friends have become. Maybe because I'm resistant to change or maybe because I generally dislike the stereotypical image of college kids my age, but I was frustrated and disgusted during the two or three times I spoke to former high school kids. Ew, that sounded really pretentious.

Moving on, I've decided to make a New Year's Resolution this year. I know that an arbitrary turn of the calendar page shouldn't have any more meaning than any other time for changing something in my life, but there's probably a psychological effect that comes with the start of a new year. A fresh start renews my drive to pursue goals...or something.

Anyway, so here it is:

For as long as I remain uninjured, I will run 28 days per month.
For each day I run, I will run a minimum of 3 miles, and average at least 4 miles per day for the entire month (including days I don't run).

We'll use January as an example: There are 31 days in January. For 28 of the 31 days, I will not run less than 3 miles, and my average mileage per day will be 4 miles/day for all 31 days of January, even though I'm only running for 28 of them.

So for January, I will run 123 miles.
February - 116
March - 123
April - 119
May - 123
June - 119
July - 123
August - 123
September - 119
October - 123
November - 119
December - 123

For the year of 2008, if I stick to my "New Years Resolution" without cheating, I will not run less than 1453 miles. In June, I will assess my progress, and if I feel it is within my grasp, I will extend my goal to 1500 miles for the year without breaking any of the rules listed above.

Why did I make this resolution? I like to run, and I like to be in good shape. However, since high school, I've found it difficult to stick to a regiment. I think this is due to lack of adequate planning and clearly defined goals. This setup gives me tangible numbers to shoot for and a few garbage days each month to do be a lazy bum, but it doesn't give me enough days off to hurt my training. In fact, for each day I take off, I will pay for my break by upping the mileage on other days to account. Obviously, if I get injured, this will be thrown out the window, and I'll need to stretch carefully and completely every day to ensure success. But I can do this.

Hope you folks are doing well,

Julio

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Feb. 6th, 2006 @ 10:25 pm Yow.

Long as shit survey. Good luck if you're going to attempt to complete it.

1. Your Full name: Julio Santana
2. Do you feel like your name fits you? That's a stupid question. Names don't define people, people shape the names.
3. Do you have an alter ego? If so, what is his/her name? Yeah. To my closest friends, I'm known as the Yellow Dart.
4. Where were you born? Chicago
5. Where do you live? Oxford
6. Do you like to travel? Fuck yes!
7. What is your birthday? Sept. 7th :D
8. Do you have siblings? Yes :)
9. Do you have pets? YES :D
10. Which was the happiest year of your life: *shrug*
11. How old do you wish you were? 22. I think that'd be a cool age.
12. A movie is being made about your life. Who would you cast to play yourself? Samuel L. Jackson. 'Cuz I'm a bad mother fucker.
13. Who would you cast to play your significant other? (if you have no significant other, cast someone anyway) Angelina Jolie. Oh, god, yes.
14. How would this movie end? With credits. :)
15. Is it better to be famous or infamous? mm...depends on what you're famous for.
16. Youre going to die a natural death. What is the cause? Peaceful old-age passing in my sleep :)
17. Youre going to die a sudden, tragic death. What is the cause? Sideswiped by a car, died instantly without pain.
18. How long do you plan on living? mid to late 80's would be nice.
19. What was the last song you got stuck in your head? Hallelujah from Rufus Wainwright
20. Sing any commercial jingle. Done. :P
21. What is your favorite element on the periodic table? Molybidium
22. Sunrise or sunset? Sunrise after a long night.
23. Introvert or extrovert? Depends. A little of both is a good thing.
24. Creation or evolution? Unsure.
25.Action or reaction? Reaction.
26. Unity or individuality? Unsure.
27. Hugs or drugs? Ideally, hugs, but I haven't actually had one in over a month, so drugs it is :P
28. Animal, vegetable, or mineral? Animal :)
29. Popsicle, creamsicle, or fudgecicle? Popsicle, but i'm not the biggest fan of any, really.
30. Fight or flight? Fight. I think.
31. Who is your favorite historical figure? Mark Twain
32. Which historical figure could we have done without? John Slidell
33. What happened in the last dream you remember? I was wrestling a moose with small antlers (I kicked its ass.)
34. Do nice guys really finish last? It would seem so.
35. What are your favorite boy names? Adrian
36. What are your favorite girl names? Sapphira
37. Open minded or closed? Open
38. White bread or wheat bread? Wheat
39. Is it better to burn out than to fade away? Yep
40. You put a quarter into a toy machine. What comes out? A superball. Fucking win.
41.What do you want to be when you grow up? An aeronautical engineer (a rocket scientist.)
42. What were your favorite childhood toys? all my ninja turtle toys had great moments.
43. What was your first pet? My dog Juan! :D I loooooove him.
44. what annoys you? Most people.
45. What is your favorite action caption from the old batman tv show? Zap!
46. How many licks does it take to get to the centre of a tootsie pop? I did it once and swore I'd never forget. I forgot :(
47. The glass... half empty or half full? both of course, depending on your perspective.

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON

48. Tightie whities. Too constricting
49. Mc Donalds happy meals. Disgusting
50. Reality shows. Retarded
51. Gummi bears or gummi worms? Worms. in dirt. anyone have that snack? the one with the pudding and the gummy worms and the oreos?
52.Would you rather sky dive or deep sea dive? Skydive. I'm deathly afraid of drowning.
53. Paper or plastic? Plastic
54. What position do you sleep in? with one arm sticking off the side of the bed, lying on my side. Or facing the open window, looking up at the stars.
55. Do you sleep on the left, right, or the middle of the bed? middle. I'm on the top bunk and don't want to fall off. But on a normal bed, toward whatever side is closest to the wall. I like the cold feeling of the wall. I like to feel slightly chilly as I fall asleep.
56. Sweet or sour? Sweet, usually.
57. What was your favorite school lunch? They all pretty much sucked. I liked just a few pieces of turkey.
58.What is your favorite word? I don't really have one. There are a few that I like more than others though.
59. Beach or mountains? Beach AND mountains.
60. Mounds or almond joy? Almond Joy
61. Do YOU feel like a nut? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.
62. To give or to recieve? Depends if that question has a sexual connotation, but usually give
63. Chocolate or caramel? Chocolate!
64. Do you have any nicknames? Sadly, yes.
65. What does your name mean? Ah, it's July in Spanish...and also a form of "Julian" which means warrior, i think
66. Have you ever fainted? Mm...I've passed out. Not faint, though, I don't think. Most of my passing out is not alcohol related, it's dehydration or malnutrition from wrestling-related, in case you were wondering.
67.Have you ever had a crush on a school teacher? Definately.
68.What was the last thing you ate? I drank a protein shake
69.Do you have any bad habits? Yeah.

WORD ASSOCIATION
what is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear...

70. Grey... 's Anatomy
71. Human... animal
72. Fruit loop... Red
73. Glove... Natassia!
74. Plum... Pudding
75. Structure... Architecture
76. Race... Horse
77. Heart... Attack
78. Parasite... Blood
79. What was your first happy memory? Riding my toy fire truck at 2 years old
80. What was your first unhappy memory? Oh jeez. I don't know.
81. If you could visit any time period, what would it be? mm...probably the beginning of time if there ever was such a thing.
82.What would Jesus do? Hopefully help me clarify my current religious ambiguity.
83. Make up a word and define it. Stratocha - The crust on the macaroni and cheese when you get it at school lunch or a OCB kind of a place.
84. Favorite kool aid flavor? Not a koolaid person, sorry.
85. Favorite pick up line? "Wanna go get drunk?" Ahaha...long story. Ask if you're curious.
86. Who was the third gunman on the grassy knoll? There wasn't one.
87. What did you like to make believe as a child? I didn't. I just had alot of other weird thoughts that aren't up for discussion in such a public area.
88. Did you have an imaginary friend? I don't think so. I wasn't even cool enough for the imaginary ones :P
89. Would you like to live in a castle or a mansion? Castle. Unless I'm living alone, then somewhere more quaint. A big place by myself would just constantly remind me how empty my life is.
90. Re-arrange some of the letters in your first, middle, and last name to form a description of yourself. What!??! Umm... I don't have a middle name. so... Salujnoitaan. Er. Right.
91. Do it fast or do it right? Right.
92.What was the last book you read? In it's entirety? Ishmael. Great book.
93. Have you ever had surgery? Dental.
94. Random fact about you......
95. What is the first thing you wash in the shower? Arms
97. If you could learn any foreign language, what would it be? Chinese
98. If you had the choice to live forever, would you? No. But I'd like to live for alot longer than we're alotted.
99. If you had the choice to be the opposite sex for a day, would you? You know, I think I would.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

100. Fate? No
101. Ghosts? No
102. God? I think so.
103. Big foot? No
104. Soul mates? No
105. Aliens? No
106.Angels? Same as God.
107. Loch ness monster? No
108. Heaven and hell? Same as God.
109. The Zodiac? No
110. Love at first sight? I don't even know if i believe in love, much less love at first sight
111. Karma? No
112.Vampires? No
113. If you had any super power, what would it be? Is super intelligence a power?
114. Would you use your power for good or evil? Good
115. Name something nostalgic. To me? Uhhh... the 90's Bulls Dynasty.
116. What are your turn ons in the opposite sex? Quirkiness is a plus. Intelligence. I'm not too picky about looks, but let's be serious, they are a factor. There's gotta be a good wholistic impression...like...the person has to fit themself if that makes any sense. Ambition. And we'll round off the list with being honest.
117. What are your turn offs in the opposite sex? lying. apathy. ignorance. too "poppy".
118. What was the best compliment ever given to you? Someone I really look up to once told me I was very intelligent and a great person. It was more the someone than the compliment that made the difference though, I think.
119. Which character from Scooby Doo do you most relate to? Shaggy. *Looks in a mirror* especially now, yike.
120. What is the worst trend of the present time? GODDAMN POPPED COLLARS. ...ahem.
121. Beer or wine? Beer. but good beer. Like Samuel Adams Black Lager.
123. You cant sleep. What do you do? gaze out my window
124. Do you wear jewelry? No
125. What is your favorite smell? the smell inside of Jamba Juice is rather refreshing
126. What was the best decade of the past century? well, i've only been around for about 2 of them and they've both sucked...but the 60's must've been preeeetty damn cool
127. Which is your favorite month of the year? May
128. Do you smoke? No
129. Do you drink? Yes
130. What was your favorite subject in school? Writing
131. What was your worst subject in school? Biology
132. If you had to give up one of your senses, what would it be? Smell
133. Do you follow your head, your heart, or your crotch? None of the above. I'm not pursuing anything of the nature you're suggesting right now
134. Do you truly know who you are? I don't think you know what you mean by that question, but i'm going to go with no
135. Are you superstitious? Definately not
136. Are you sentimental? Yeah, i'd say so.
137. How many times a day do you eat? It varies. I sorta graze throughout the day.
138. Are you more of a main idea or detail type of person? depends on the context
139. What is your favorite pie? Lemon Merengue
140. Have you ever been close to death? um...possibly. I can't bring anything to mind right now though
141. Do you like roller coasters? YES.
142. Apples or oranges? Oranges
143. Are you hyperactive? Not really
144. Do you talk in your sleep? My roommate says I do
145. What is your favorite holiday? Christmas is a nice 'un
146. Do you go to church? No :/
147. At what age do you think you will be married? If I ever do get married, it would be in my mid-late 20's
148. If you could open up your own business, what would it be? A smoothie shop
149. What was the name of your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Jahnai
150. what is your weakness? i'm pretty gullible. I'll buy anything most people tell me
151.what was the last movie you saw that made you cry? Jeez...I don't remember, sorry.
152.if you were a flavor of ice cream it would be? SEX. sorry, i had to throw that in here somewhere. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.
153. If hate were a flavor, what flavor would it be? What? What the fuck does that even mean?
154. Have you ever been prescribed any drugs? Asthma medication
155. Is lying sometimes necessary? Not necessary, but for the best.
156. Bubbleyum or bubblicious? Bubblicious
157. What is your favorite curse word? pig-fucker
158. Do you have any birthmarks? A few small ones

159. If you could visit anywhere in the US, where would it be? To go back to california would kick ass
160. If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would it be? Several places in Europe and Asia appeal to me
162. Do you feel like your physical self matches your personality? On the surface, yes. Those who get to know me beyond the shit-talking find that I'm usually more timid than I play off to be with my friends sometimes
163. What was the name of your kindergarten teacher? Ms. Veronica
164. Do you wear glasses or contacts? Contacts
165. How tall are you? 6'1
166. How tall would you like to be? 6'2 or 6'3 would be nice
167. Your current mood: tired
168. Do you dress up for halloween? sometimes
169. Have you ever been in a car accident? yes
170. What is your favorite lucky charm? the rainbow
171. What color of shirt are you wearing? i'm wearing just a white undershirt
172. Do you tend to date people younger or older than you? er...i don't date much. but of the 3 people i've "dated", two were older and one was younger
173. Do your exes look alike? nope
174. Do your exes act alike? in ways
175. Have you ever been in love? no
176. What is your favorite kids movie? Beauty and the Beast :P
177. Have you ever hallucinated? Yep
178. What do you like most about the opposite sex? They're easier to have real conversations with
179. What do you hate most about the opposite sex? They're sometimes overly moody. Not all of them, but about half, i'd say.
180. Have you ever been on a blind date? No
181. Would you want to be cloned? No
182. Have you ever peed in public? Hah, yep. That's a funny story, actually...ask me about it sometime.
183. Are you an optimist or a pessimist? I'm somewhere in the middle.
184. How did you find out that there was no santa claus? I don't remember
185. Pancakes or waffles? Pancakes
186. Are you on a diet? Sort of
187. Why is the grass always greener on the other side? It isn't. It's just a fucking cliche.
188. Do you always want what you cant have? Not always, but it happens
189. Do you act stupid around someone you have a crush on? I have been known to do so.
190. Have you ever been arrested? No
191. Can you cook? Yes!
192. Do you think its wrong/weird if a girl asks a guy out? No, of course not
193. Do you have any allergies? Yes
194. Missouri or Missouraa Missouri
195. Do you believe there is a meaning to life? I sure hope so. I doubt i'll figure it out though
196. What do you think about before you fall asleep? Depends on the day
197.What are your thoughts on the nature of good and evil? OMFG, i'm 4 questions from the end of this shit, i'm NOT answering this fucking question NOW.
198. Step into your cave. There you will find your power animal. What kind of animal is it? A penguin
199.What does your power animal say to you? Slide!
200. End this survey with a quote: "On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero." A bit macabre, but it's insightful

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Feb. 2nd, 2006 @ 10:51 pm Quick thought.

Yeah, so, I just recalled that I wiped up my friend's list a few weeks ago and totally forgot to make a point of saying something. Essentially, I removed a few (5) people for a variety of reasons...if you aren't sure why you've been removed, feel free to ask me on one of the messengers. Otherwise, I'd like you to return the courtesy and remove me as well. I'm sure my posts clutter your friend's list. Also, one of the factors in my removing those people was whether or not I wanted them reading my journal. In most cases, the answer was no.

That was about it, really.

I had a venty, angry post to put up here a couple of days ago, but threw it away. Anger never got me very far.

I started this entry 3 hours ago. Never got around to finishing it. I'll finish tomorrow.

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Jan. 30th, 2006 @ 10:10 pm (no subject)

I'm drained.

I spent almost my entire weekend working. If not for eating, weightlifting, running, and sleeping, I would've spent all of it working.

I have a thermophysics exam tomorrow that i'm feeling pretty good about.

I also have a chem exam wednesday morning. I got a 92 on the practice exam. Good, but not good enough. Those who know my "situation" will understand.

I've taken a few nostalgic trips down memory lane over the last couple of days. I really wish my own particular memory lane wasn't so war-torn and broken. I was reminded today of an old friend whom I hadn't thought about in a while. I succeeded in pushing her, like so many others, clear out of my life.

Enough about that for now. I've been steadily formulating a response to my last (incomplete) series of posts...I should be done soon. I'm utilizing chem lecture time to fill in my response in the margins :P

So uh. Yeah, that's all I've got really. Keep in touch and take it easy, friends.

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Jan. 25th, 2006 @ 11:45 am Part two of yesterday's post

Pickups from the fundamental question I addressed to myself: Who am I?

I initially looked at the question from the viewpoint of someone else who might be asking that...only to find that we falsely identify ourselves with other factors.

Who am I?

I am an American. I am a hispanic. I am a student. There's a list of descriptive answers I can give that don't actually answer the question, but rather, skirt around it. "...you're not how much money you've got in the bank. You're not your job. You're not your family, and you're not who you tell yourself.... You're not your name.... You're not your problems.... You're not your age.... You are not your hopes..." says Chuck Palanhiuk in one of my favorite books (10 points if you can guess its name. :P)

Our understanding of ourselves is clouded by the list of things we have. I have a name. I have a family. I have x occupation. I have a nationality, but am not these things. I think the most difficult parts to seperate from the person are the body and the mind. We can leave a family, a name, an occupation, or even a name behind, but our bodies and minds are perpetually with us. Even still, the argument remains...I am not my body. I have a body. I am not my mind, I have a mind.
So I ask again...Who am I?

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Jan. 24th, 2006 @ 10:07 pm I couldn't think of a good title.

I've always been a person with a thirst for knowledge. There's a high that's much greater than anything I've experienced with weed or alcohol when you stumble across an epiphany of thought...or when a concept you've been struggling with for some time suddenly makes sense. A former teacher called it "an ah-ha moment". But for whatever reason, the more I learn, the deeper that thirst becomes. I used to think I was just a curious person...you know, knowledge for knowledge's sake and all that...but that's not true at all. I desire knowledge because with knowledge comes power. In the schoolhouse rock sense, yes, but more than that, i can derive argumentative power...logic...reasoning...a job! The best paying jobs (with limited exceptions) go to those with the most knowledge. When was the last time you ran into a bum with a doctor's degree?

What it boils down to is that we're taught to believe and reason that if we have knowledge, we can somehow be happy. This is nothing earth-shattering, though...I've just outlined some modern, middle-class values for you. Knowledge begets power which begets some sort of physical or material possession which begets happiness. But is it really happiness that we find in this? No. I mentioned earlier that I've always been a person with a thirst for knowledge. I think that what I confuse for happiness really has been my satisfaction of a craving. The reason that my thirst cannot be quenched by any amount of knowledge I glean, I fear, is because of diminishing returns on this "happiness", as is common with any addiction. This repetition in turn begets boredom...almost to the point of pain.

Is this the meaning of life? To possess? To be happy?

Is a repetitive life meaningful?

What if I were to one day be completely content with what I've accomplished and what I've acquired? What then? Such is life.

I feel there is something lacking in my education...my acquisition of encyclopedic knowledge will not make me happy...yet, knowledge can be divided into many partitions...so for argument's sake, let's break it down into two. enumerable knowledge, and the knowledge of oneself. This enumerable knowledge is what we glean from books...from lectures, from studies, from professors and friends...

But the knowledge of one's self requires an introspective look inside.

The quest for knowledge doesn't stop, of course, but the focus shifts. Rather than exploring "What is the world made up of?" as most of the less-filling knowledge seems to do, the exploration begins for "Who am I?"

How deep can I go? Forget about the world around me for a minute, there's a whole world INSIDE to be explored...

I'll pause here for a bit. my brain is tired. i'm not done yet though, more to come later.

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Jan. 23rd, 2006 @ 01:33 pm A page from my chemistry notebook...

( When you have Chemistry at 8:00am on a Monday, your notes for the day may look something like this: )

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Jan. 18th, 2006 @ 10:02 pm (no subject)

When my father's father was 46 (plus or minus a year), he contracted leukemia and died.

My dad is nearing that age...and his health habits are rather poor. He smokes a pack a day...he doesn't drink a whole lot, but it's not uncommon for him to have a few beers when he comes home from work. He sleeps in the neighborhood of 3 hours a night. He doesn't eat right nor does he eat things that are good for him...and he hates his job.

He's always talked about how he can't wait for me to have kids...so he can mess with them and make them torture me the way I have to him (as a joke, of course)...and I'm honestly afraid that he won't be around for that. I never met my grandfather. He died 4 years before I was born. My dad started smoking the year before (or the year before that) when his dad got sick and he was stuck in the military. I'm considering paying for him to see a hypnotherapist for the smoking thing on Father's Day. Not as a disrespectful thing...in fact, I'll probably get him another gift in case that doesn't go over so well and give him both...but...you know. I love him. I don't want to see him go, y'know?

I vaguely remember him trying to quit and failing when I was younger. My mom used to smoke and she succeeded. I'm sure he could do the same if he had the right support. And you know, we never made a big deal out of it...he doesn't even smoke in the house, he goes outside to smoke.

For the longest time, I took my parents for granted...and as I've begun to see life as a line-segment of sorts, having a beginning and an end more clearly...and I've begun to worry, you know?

My dad has been the only man I've ever truly feared. Wrestling opponents, 350 lb football linemen, peers, teachers, principals - the only things that really struck fear into me were things that I thought my dad would get mad at me for. And it wasn't like...the fear of death. It was more of a respect thing, maybe. I don't know. Even writing this much has been rather difficult for me. Perhaps I'll talk to my mom about it and see what she says. Thanks for reading. Take care, all.

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Jan. 9th, 2006 @ 09:07 pm Real entry coming soon...

Fill it in and comment with results, please :)

Stolen from

tanyaka:

1. Name:
2. Birthday:
3. Place of residence:
4. What makes you happy:
5. What are you listening to now/have listened to last:
6. An interesting fact about you:
7. Are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
8. Favorite place to be:
9. Favorite lyric:
10. Best time of the year:

RECOMMEND
1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A band, a song and an album:

PLUS
1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Put this in your lj so I can tell you what I think of you.

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Jan. 4th, 2006 @ 10:28 am (no subject)

The following totally goes against one of my New Years Resolutions:

So...I picked up a book last night. It's called A Million Little Pieces. It's written by James Frey and is the latest add-on to Oprah's Book Club.

I HIGHLY recommend it. It's a narrative written by James and picks up with him coming to consciousness on an airplane, caked in blood, dirt, and vomit, missing his 4 top front teeth, without a memory of the previous two weeks, of why he's on a plane, where he's going, or what's happened to him. He'd been an alcoholic for over a decade and a crack addict for the last 3 years of that. He was 23 years old without a prayer of seeing his next birthday.

His story isn't the standard Lifetime sob story of battles with addiction and that whole bit, although there ARE elements of that...mostly, it's a story of choice. A story of acceptance and complacency, of action, of responsibility, of reality, of success, of failure, of humility, and of hope. There's love and friendship and that whole bit sprinkled inside as well. And that's touching to a degree as well.

Some of you may not know this about me, but at the present time, I have an uncle who is totally missing. He's been a drug addict for a number of years, and when I missed a week of school sophomore year to fly to California, it was to see him graduate from rehab. A few weeks later, we discovered he'd suffered a relapse, and aside from a brief visit from him for Christmas over a year ago, we haven't heard from him since. At any rate, while I was in LA, I was able to see Skid Row firsthand...walk through the streets lined with cardboard homes that reeked of drugs, urine, and decay. That sordid experience helped me to better visualize some scenes...make them seem more real. At any rate, it was a fantastic read. I liked it alot.

Some parts are difficult. The book is not for the faint of heart.

That's really the only disclaimer. Great stuff, all in all.

Also, The Wedding Crashers came out on DVD yesterday. If you haven't seen it, it's a guy movie. Much in the same way that The Notebook is a chick flick. It's fricken hilarious. David, if you really want to see this movie and it isn't available where you are yet, I could burn you a copy and send it to you if you'd like.

Ta.

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Jan. 3rd, 2006 @ 04:31 am Thank

seraphicmirth for this one

10 LAYERS OF ME

LAYER ONE: ON THE OUTSIDE

Name: Julio
Birth place: Chicago
Current Location: right this second? Franklin Park.
Eye Color: black
Hair Color: black but making the transition to gray
Righty or Lefty: Lefty, bitch.
Zodiac Sign: Virgo.

LAYER TWO: ON THE INSIDE

Your heritage: Puerto Rican. 100% 'spic.
What Shoes Today: my running shoes :D
Your weakness: no. no, i'm not giving you kryptonite for me :P
Your fears: spiders, creepy crawley bug things, mice.
Your perfect pizza: (white pizzas blow, stina.) HOLY SHIT. Lou Malnati's deep dish pizza is to die for. Seriously. If you live outside of Chicago and you haven't tried Chicagostyle pizza FROM Chicago, you're going to need to do so. Some try imitating it...and it's just garbage. I've tried pizza in several different other stats (Wisconsin, Ohio, Texas, and California to name a few) and nothing is even on the same playing field as Chicago pizza. Get off your ass, fly into o'hare, and try some, you out of towners. :P
Goal you'd like to achieve: short term or long term? I'll list one of each - short-term: stick to the weekly regiment i've devised for myself for Spring '06 semester. long-term: Get accepted to Embry-riddle's graduate program for aeronautical or aerospace engineering and keep the colleging going :D

LAYER THREE: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW:

Your most overused phrase: probably "the rash will be gone in a 6-8 weeks, I swear."
Your thoughts first waking up: "mm...sleep."
Your best physical feature: hmm...i never found myself very attractive. so i don't know. i hear i have nice toenails. that's an important one.
Your bedtime: whenever i pass out
Your most missed memory: ahhh...there's far too many. perhaps that one time i went to that thing with those people...

LAYER FOUR: YOUR PICK:

Pepsi or Coke: "neither unless it has vanilla vodka in it." bahahaha, Stina, you sissy. drink your poison straight like a real drinker. oh, right. well, i used to like coke over pepsi. but i haven't drinken pop since like...8th grade. so i'm going to have to say WATER!
McDonald's or Burger King: In-n-out burger totally beats the shit out of both of them. I have to go back to the west coast to try that again sometime.
Single or group dates: you know, beggars can't be choosers.
Adidas or Nike: pfft. Asics or New Balance.
Lipton Tea or Nestea: Tazo, you uncultured fuck. Wild Sweet Orange Tea all the way
Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate. duh. only losers pick vanilla.
Cappuccino or coffee: "Cappaccino, Frappaccino, Crapaccino, Al Pacino, I just want some fucking coffee!!" Bahaha...funny stuff there. but i like cappuccino. :)

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?

Cuss: yepp
Single: "do I single..?" hahaha. yes i'm single. happily single in the sense that married people are happily married.
Take a shower: Not once. you dumbass, i shower all the time. Who has time to waste on a fucking bath? Showers are quick in, quick out. I can be showered and redressed inside of 7 minutes (the only useful thing I learned in APE)
Have a crush(es): nah. I need to steer clear of intimate relationships with girls for a while.
Like(d) high school: No. Not at all. Too many people I didn't enjoy. Or don't enjoy now. Whatever, I don't want to go back, ever.
Want to get married: maybe.
Believe in yourself: ah, of course. mind you, there are times i don't, but for the most part, yeah.
Get motion sickness: yep
Think you're a health freak: I was for a while. Not so much anymore. I might get back into the "OMFG. I've eaten 453 calories today...i can eat another 7 before i need to go running" business again...we'll see.
Get along with your parents: yes and no. that's not an open topic for discussion, really.
Like thunderstorms: summer thunderstorms. cold storms with piercing rain and wind kind of suck, y'know?

LAYER SIX: IN THE PAST MONTH

Drank alcohol: yes
Gone on a date: No
Gone to the mall: No. I don't get office bitch work, so no :D
Been on stage: Nope
Eaten Sushi: yes, actually.
Been dumped: no
Gone skating: no
Gone skinny dippin: no
Dyed your hair: no, but i've thought about it. i dyed it blue once and it was a disaster though (the dye washed out in my football helmet and i looked like a moron)

LAYER SEVEN: HAVE YOU EVER

Played a game that required removal of clothing: yep
Gotten beaten up: no
Changed who you were to fit in: probably.

LAYER EIGHT: GETTING OLDER

Age you hope to be married: before I answer that, i'd just like to say that layer seven was really lame. that needs more work put into it. and who gives a shit, let the chips fall where they may.
Numbers of Children: I'd like to conceive 10, but father 2. joking, joking...
Describe your dream wedding: i dunno..dont think about it that much. somewhere on a beach or near a river or lake...something near water. either that or in a park (or both!)
How do you want to die: you know, if dying from sex (oral or vaginal) is possible...that would kind of be a good way to go out. the funeral would at least be interesting... "How did he die?" "Oh...car accident." "Drunk driver?" "Nah, he was getting a hummer and hit an apartment building."
What country would you most like to visit: hm. I'd say Canada, but that's not very ambitious. let's go with Italy.

LAYER NINE: IN A GAL/GUY

Best eye color?: blue eyes are nice. green eyes are too.
Best hair color?: something that fits them.
Short or long hair: medium, i guess. there's a point where it is just too freaken long...and another where it's too short. but i can't be bothered to define those now.
Height: please, please, please not taller than me.
Best first date location: you know, i've never really been on a "first date" in the traditional sense. isn't that sad? yeah, i think it is too.
Articles of clothing: I have a thing for plaid skirts. probably part of the dirty catholic schoolgirl fantasy.

LAYER TEN: IN THE NUMBERS

Number of people i can trust: depends. I probably trust more than i have any right to. so I don't know. I have bad judgement with people. Please don't exploit it :D.
Number of CD's I own: shit, i don't know, they're everywhere. the closest estimate i can make is between 100 and 300.
Number of piercings: none
Number of tattoos: none (haven't decided if i want one or not yet)
Number of times been on T.V.: two or three, i'd think
Number of times my name has appeared in the Newspaper?: ah, a shitload. mostly for sports and honors and other stupid things.
Number of scars on my body: pfft. some number less than 10. i don't feel like counting.
Number of things in my past that I regret: there's a few here and there. we'll go with 5.

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Jan. 2nd, 2006 @ 06:58 am New Years Resolution, Spring '06 Class Schedule, and more! :D

Alright, I'm going to type up my complete resolutions list...I typically don't make resolutions, but I realized that at this time last year, I was like 10x happier than I currently am and I wasn't allowed to EAT at this time last year (fucking wrestling season)...so I figured that's a sure sign that I should be changing a few things around.

So without further adieu...

1) Drink less - This one should seem obvious. I've only been drinking for 2 and a half months, but I can totally drink most people under the table. I drank a whole bottle (750ml) of Bacardi by myself in a night and then annihilated my roommate in beer pong one on one. Afterward, I still had the composure to walk home without blacking out. That's a deadly kind of tolerance.

2) Make fewer drunken phone calls - I almost made this one "Stop drunk dialing everyone except Stina" because she's the only one who seems to halfway enjoy my inebriated ramblings. Also, I make so many phone calls when drunk that I surpass the limit allowed by my outgoing calls list...so I never know exactly how many and whom I've called.

3) Treat my friends better - I was a real dick to some of my friends toward the beginning of this year. A complete asshole. It wouldn't be a big deal, but they totally didn't deserve it at all. Hopefully abiding by this resolution will help to prevent that kind of bullshit from happening.

4) Quit being a pussy - Seriously now. Scan through my livejournal entries from the last half-year or so. I've turned into a big blubbering vagina. Always complaining about one thing or another....boo fucking woo. With this resolution, I hope to quit bitching, man up, and roll with the punches instead of throwing a shit-fit whenever something doesn't go my way.

5) Stop sleeping with overpriced Polynesian midget-hookers - I have to throw a few ringers in here so I know I'll experience some degree of success.

6) Quit smoking - See above.

That's about it, I think.

To go with that list is my list of classes. I'll list them in the order that I have them during the week:

College Chemistry - CHM 141 section A - MWF 8:00am-8:50am (3 Credit hours)
Engineering Problem Solving and Design - EAS 102 Section F - MW 9:00am-9:50am, R 3:00pm-4:50pm (3 Credit hours)
The Physical World II - PHY 182 Section A - MTRF 11:00am-11:50am (4 Credit hours)
Fundamentals of Problems Solving and Programming - CSA 174 B - TR 8:00-9:15am (3 Credit Hours)
Thought and Culture of India - PHL 106 Section A - TR 12:00pm-1:50pm (4 Credit hours)
Physics II Laboratory - PHY 184L Section A - T 3:00-4:50pm (1 Credit hour)
College Chemistry Laboratory - CHM 144L Section A - F 1:00pm-3:50pm (GOOD LORD.) (2 Credit Hours)

Go ahead and add those up. le ugh.

Zelda fans should click here. I'm so stoked.

Mario fans should watch this. Fricken' Awesome.
omfg, she's starting to write again this month! WOOOHOOHOOHOHOHO!

Okay, that's it. Tata.

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Dec. 31st, 2005 @ 03:16 am Stolen from

the_big_l

**EDITED** (Thanks, Leza :D)

1) List ten things you want to say to people but know you never will.
2) Don't say who they are.

( Read more... )

mm...what the hell, why not another meme. ( Read more... )

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Dec. 29th, 2005 @ 05:37 am (no subject)

Current Mood:

whiny

I hate it.

I hate the way I feel excluded from everything, distanced from everyone. I hate that I haven't a single person to call a good friend. Not to say that I'm ungrateful for my friends and people whom I'm friendly with...but I hate that I don't have that special sort of friend or group that everyone but me seems to have. I hate that my cellphone never rings. I hate that I feel unwelcome everywhere. I hate that I've pushed so many away from me in bitter bouts of nastiness. I hate this town. I hate this house. I hate that some people won't even bother to read this...and that others will skim through mildly...and that maybe a person or two will actually read this dribble. I hate that I'm just so goddamn unappeasable sometimes. and I hate that I can't not care.

Coming soon - 2005: A Year In Review. (joy and laud)

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Dec. 26th, 2005 @ 11:56 pm (no subject)

My sleeping patterns suck.

No seriously, they are god-awful. I sleep from 8am (ish) 'til 5pm (ish) every day. I guess that's what Christmas break is for though.

This coming semester is going to blow. I have 20 credit hours and I need a 3.83095 or something out of those to keep scholarship money. in other words, straight As and 1 B. The last time I got those kinds of grades, I was probably in 7th grade. Not that I'm that stupid, mind you, I just get lazy sometimes. I pissed away 4 years of academia in high school...but if ever there were years to piss away, I think they would be the high school ones.

I really hated high school. I hated the work...the bullshit...the people...the whole shebang. Toward the end, I did exactly what I'd been trying to avoid for 4 years...blah.

Oh, oh, oh. To change the subject to something happier, I found an old notebook of mine from 2nd grade. I'm going to type up an excerpt here as soon as I can find one that isn't completely cheesy and embarassing. Ah, here's one.

It seems that I had gotten in trouble for being loud and was asked by my teacher to write a page on why it's important to be quiet. Enjoy.

"It is important to be quiet because you can't consintrate, you can't speak, and you can't do work.

If you do you can read better faster and the same with everything else.

In movie theatres you can't hear the movie unless your quiet. Sometimes I don't want to be quiet and I get in trouble. Thats another reason to be quiet. You get in trouble.

Sometimes you are sent somewhere to another room or got in detention. Well heres a story about soemone who dosent be quiet.

There was a boy named Jon who never was quiet he was constently in detention. He was in trouble always. One day he couldn't stop talking and his mouth rusted shut. He tried but he couldn't open his mouth finnally he figured out that he would never talk again and he lived the very worst life ever known in the history of all of space. So that is why you should be quiet. If you still don't know what I mean ask my teacher Ms. Tinkey who gave us this assignment she will tell you at least a million reasons why to be quiet!"

Sadly, there are many more less coherent writings in that notebook...ones about girls...about food...sports...about weird fantasies of me being king or having my own holiday or stupid things like that.

I need burying again...in books...in schoolwork...in workouts...in something that doesn't bite back at me. Something to keep me stoic...I hate this depression. I didn't get like this during the semester...during the summer and before was a different story, though. I have nothing left here. Well, that's not true. I have family, but already I grow weary of our constant bickering. and for once, I don't have friends to turn for help. Which is fine, I guess, I should be self sufficient anyway, but I still can't help but feel...blah. Whatever. Maybe it's just the lack of shit to do.

I don't know what it is.

I need a drink.

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Dec. 23rd, 2005 @ 11:20 pm (no subject)

I had a nightmare about B&B today.

Begovich called everyone at home and told us that we had one more performance to give, so we all went and tried to perform and absolutely sucked because we all forgot our lines and blocking. At intermission, Begovich told the audience to leave and made us finish performing to a silent auditorium.

Yikes.

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Dec. 23rd, 2005 @ 04:21 am New Years Resolutions

So it's time to make some New Years Resolutions.

1) No getting drunk 'til May 5th (the occasional beer or glass of wine couldn't hurt).

2) No more emo music.

3) Quit being a pussy.

4) Attain a 3.0 GPA while still being a Mechanical Engineering major.

5) Learn to forgive and forget (it seems I can do one or the other, but not both).

6) Sleep more.

Share with me your New Years Resolutions :)

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Dec. 21st, 2005 @ 03:11 am (no subject)

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

Last Tuesday I put gum in

hadji_hajek's hair (-12 points). In August I committed genocide... Sorry about that,

mittenish (-5000 points). Last Saturday I ate my brussel sprouts (1 points). In September I donated bone marrow to

dusqi in a life-saving procedure (300 points). Last Friday I gave

lizzab a wet willie, then I took it back (-5 points).

Overall, I've been naughty (-4716 points). For Christmas I deserve pint of lager!

Sincerely,
gitarzan16x

...in all honesty, I changed my prize to a pint of lager, after all, what the fuck am I going to do with a moldy sandwich? pfffft.

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Dec. 20th, 2005 @ 09:39 pm (no subject)

Being home for the holidays sucks.

I'm back to being completely dependant on my friends with cars and arguing with my parents. Pah. Bullshit.

Next Christmas, I think I'll just stay in Ohio.

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Dec. 19th, 2005 @ 03:24 am (no subject)

It's 3am and I can't sleep. Again. Watching Jerry Maguire. For any of you who may be unfamiliar with the movie, it's a "romantic comedy"...that's about all you need to know to know what kind of movie I'm watching. I...just...hm. I wish I weren't here. I wish that instead of home, I went to...Texas or something for Christmas. Pretty much anywhere in the continental US besides right here would be cool. Well, minus Alaska. That place is way too fucking cold.

I don't have AIM access for the next 3 weeks...which is kind of a bummer, because on nights when I can't sleep, I can usually rely on a person or two to be murking about with me and it makes for nice company, more often than not. But alas, I've been reduced to Windows Messenger (version 4.7) for the next few weeks.

I wonder if I'll forever be tormented by memories and dreams of times past. I'm only 18 and yet I have the receding hairline and grey speckled hair of a man several years older than I...but also, the nightmares...so vivid and tantalizing...reminiscent of a happier, warmer time. Maybe it's a choice. I could choose to ignore these dreams, I suppose...when they're so real though, it's rather...gripping.

I switched from Jerry Maguire to this Bing Crosby Christmas special...I've always had a deep respect for such talented singers. And dancers, I suppose. Yeah, I've always admired a good dancer. I can't sing or dance, really...but I'd love to be able to. Probably more dance than sing...I hear that's a skill more applicable to...other endeavors. cough cough. But seriously, I'd love to have one or the other...I'm not picky, I'd take either. Y'know, I play guitar, but it's hard to carry that everywhere with me...If I could sing, I'd sing all the time...on the way to class...as i'm doing homework...right now at 3-whatever in the morning. Well, I find myself doing a bit of that anyway, much to the disappointment of others :P.

Ah. Livejournal, you make for good therapy. Thanks for listening to me :)

Now for a much needed NAP.

-Julio

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Dec. 18th, 2005 @ 02:16 am Hm.

So I'm back in town. Back at home. Which, in all honesty, doesn't make a damn bit of difference to anyone reading.

On a different note, the plan is not to drink through X-mas break nor through 2nd semester. I went 2-3 weeks without any of "the drink" because of finals, but finals week ended early, so I again became the drunk dialer extraordinaire (ain't that right, Stina?).

But yeah, the getting plastered gig is getting old fast...although I may have some slight motivation to try a few more different types of liquor...haven't found anything i really enjoy though.

For sure I won't be drinking this break.

Annnnnnd my at-home connection blows. Plain and simple. I can't hook up my laptop to the internet, it's that shitty. So i'm stuck using this old POS 'til I go back. It only allows me to use Windows messenger...so no AIM para mi. Ah well. Shit happens.

So my next semester includes Chem, lab, physics, lab, engineering thermodynamics, lab, computer programming, and i have room for 4 more credit hours. Open to suggestions for classes. Odds are, i'll take my stats class or something...we'll see.

This was a stupid entry.

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Dec. 12th, 2005 @ 03:53 am "Bury me standing under your window with this cinder block in hand..."

The last time I slept voluntarily and/or during the night was last Saturday.

Not the Saturday that just passed...a week before that.

Not that I haven't slept...I accidentally pick up a few hours here and there from sheer exhaustion, but I've become almost narcoleptic.

Why?

Finals.

In the last week I've worked nearly 100 physics problems in review for the final and **taught myself** Calculus II. Not to mention writing 2 papers, a response, reverse engineering a VCR (That's laying in pieces in the hallway right now) among other things.

I'll repeat the question you may still be asking: why?

I didn't know...and probably still don't...but it's similar to what I did in high school, I think. I immersed myself completely in sports, in complete devotion to perfection of my craft. 11 straight athletic seasons (the perfect 12 marred by my brief stint in theater) along with endless sports camps and instructional sessions all over the midwest in hopes of being the very best. Making every sacrifice, much like I've begun to do for my academic endeavors. It's easy to weather the pain when you bury yourself so completely. Much like the monk who casts himself into the conflagration, immolating for the world to see, I, too, combat my internal wounds by drowning them in the mindless drone of schoolwork. Is it worth it? Solely for my grades, probably not. But for the chance to forget, if even only temporarily, about the graffiti coating my innards...yeah. Yeah, it's worth it.

I envied the drunk fucks I saw this weekend. I haven't drinken alcohol since that awful Thanksgiving break experience, and I shant until Wednesday...after which I hope to abstain for the duration of break and just...relax :)

I guess Christmas is around the corner as well...

I'm not feeling very Christmasey.

It's about love and family and all that and I'm just not feeling much of anything.

Anxiety, frusteration, sadness, anger, and bitterness, yes...but none of the good parts of the season.

It's just that between last Christmas and this Christmas, I've realized that the magical moments in life are entirely percepitory. And that magic that once encaptivated you with rapture still keeps you as it's prisoner, pitifully chained by the memories of a time when you were once so happy...and now...

Well. I'm jumping ahead of myself. I don't want this to digress into another pathetic discussion of longing...that melodramatic nostalgia bullshit simply has to stop.

Shit. I need to get back to work. 2 days and 7 hours until I can get drunk and pass out for 2 days straight. Cheers!

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Dec. 8th, 2005 @ 09:56 pm Who says posts need to be thoughtful?

Open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrasing it is.

How many songs:

Sort by song title:
-First Song: "'Till I Collapse" - Eminem
-Last Song: "Zorba The Greek" - Unknown

Sort by time:
-Shortest Song: "Pop" (it's a half-second long popping sound)
-Longest Song: "Trademark" - Angelic Voices of Faith

Sort by album:
-First Song: "The Entertainer" as recorded by John Hawksley on the album entitled "-"
-Last Song: "3 A.M." by Matchbox 20 on the album entitled "Yourself Or Someone Like You"

Top Seven Most Played Songs:
1. Fall Out Boy "Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner" with 137 plays
2. Trans-Siberian Orchestra "Christmas Canon Rock" with 92 plays
3. Strung Out "Her Name In Blood" with 67 plays
4. Bigwig "Freegan" with 51 plays
5. Rufus Wainwright "Hallelujah" with 48 plays
6. Shawn Lane "Gray Pianos Flying" with 43 plays
7. Tenacious D "Fuck Her Gently" with 41 plays

First song that comes up on Shuffle:
Atreyu "You Give Love a Bad Name"

Search ....
"sex", how many songs come up?: 3
"love", how many songs come up?: 34
"you", how many songs come up?: 98

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Dec. 8th, 2005 @ 12:20 am (no subject)

I had a lecture about quantum physics recently in which my teacher provided an example to illustrate her point.

The principles of quantum physics can be explained by the passage below:

Presume you have a cat and a bottle of poison sealed in a box. Presume also that there is a completely random chance that the cat will drink the poison and die. Assuming that the above is true, than while the box is sealed and you can't see the cat, the cat is neither alive nor dead. It is, in fact, both.

No, there are no grevious typos there...I said that correctly. It is in a limbo-state of life/death and YOUR VIEWING the cat changes it into the state of being alive or dead.

This is what my teacher expects us to believe/be tested over.

Furthermore, there are myriad funky little theorums like the Many Worlds theorum, which states that every time a choice is made, the world splits into parallel universes with the different options, no matter how trivial the choice. So...there are infinitely many parallel universes by that theorum.

Also, there's the GUT, the Grand Unified Theory...

or the TOE, the Theory of Everything...

etc, etc.

In short, don't take physics. Ever.

People who say scientists aren't creative haven't met the acid-tripping fiends we mistake for physicists.

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Dec. 7th, 2005 @ 02:26 am had to post.

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Nov. 30th, 2005 @ 07:16 pm (no subject)

"Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country, founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness. Even I, in my travels, find a completely idiotic solstice when I enter a mall. There is something soothing about it. I reach a trance-like state that can't be healthy, can it? Of course it can't! Of that, I am certain. We mall all the threads of the grand international fabric we should be. Italy becomes the Olive Garden. Ireland becomes Applebees. France is tranformed into a Starbucks. Apparently, there is no profit in the unique, or not enough to make it worthwhile to preserve. Ultimately, it drains the life out of us, and existentialism starts to make more and more sense. How can Sartre truly understand existentialism if he never drove through Ohio from one Wendy's to the next? This is reflected in those who become our authority figures. The unique to them is nothing more than disturbing. There is never any time for questions because they have no answers. It's best to keep one's mouth shut if one intends to move up in this world. I can't. It's not for a lack of trying, but I find myself at the boiling point and I can't keep my mouth shut. I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo."

Something I read today that I really liked...courtisy of Lewis Black, my favorite comedian.

A really good reason why I should not drink for a good long while.

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Nov. 28th, 2005 @ 03:28 pm Thanksgiving mayhem.

Current Mood:

teary

In the aftermath of thanksgiving weekend, I figured I would make some sort of post commemorating the holiday.

Rather than enumerate what I'm thankful for, I think I'll write out little quips to people I'm thankful for and why without actually stating their names. It can kinda be played like a game, I guess...you can probably search through and find yours, although I predict that a good many of these will go unread by those who they're meant for.

Anyway, without further deliberation...

Thank you for being the first friend I made in high school and for putting up with me for 4 and a half long years now. For sharing good times, bad times, frusterating times...shit, we even share an ex-girlfriend...for keeping me on my toes, for never relenting in insulting me (as I do the same to you), and for being one of the most disgusting people I've ever met. For coming to every home football game I played in sophomore year just because I started for the varsity team, even though we got absolutely demolished in just about every single game. For inspiring me to progress in playing guitar as long as I have and for introducing me to a good amount of the emo music I currently enjoy. Hopefully the next time we drink together, I won't be a puking, drunken mess.

Thank you for being the closest thing to an older brother I've ever had. Thank you for being so goddamn admirable, not just in what you've accomplished, but in what you've had to endure as you've accomplished it. It never ceases to amaze me the trouble you've had to go through to get where you are...I've never met anyone else who's had so many problems thrown on them. Period. And yet you've already accomplished much more than so many people I know ever will. Thanks for being an inspiration.

Thank you for dealing with the shit I threw at you for 3 and a half years or so. I perpetually made fun of you for various reasons, and all you did was take it and throw it back at me. What a fucking champ. Thanks for visiting me almost every single day this past summer...while on the clock, no less. And thanks for always being twice as lazy as I ever was in the classroom...and for giving our group it's initial name.

Thank you for being such a cynical bastard. You, more than anyone else, know exactly how to push my buttons and sometimes do it without realizing it, I think. For becoming one of my best friends in the last year or so, and for being a stronghold when I really needed one. Thank you for being the first volunteer to help out when I wanted to do that music thing over the summer that one time...and for introducing me to all sorts of music I didn't know existed. Thanks for making the effort to talk to me every single day since I've been in Ohio...People say it's inevitable that your friends will grow apart after going away to college. Thanks for proving to me that it's a choice and not a certainty.

Thank you for helping me deal with my first real angsty phase over a girl. It was more than 4 years ago, and you probably barely remember it, but it really meant alot to me. And though I've sometimes given you shit for absolutely no reason at all...Thanks for not being callous or cold when, just a few weeks later, I start talking to you again. Thanks for helping me terrorize the runescape world back in the day; for being decidedly evil, rather brilliant, and a really great woman. Most of all, thanks for being as wonderful a friend as I could hope for, even though you're on the other side of the continent (not even the country).

Thank you for giving me confidence. For instilling the idea in my head that I could step outside my athletic bounds and pursue an endeavor I didn't think I'd be any good at. Thanks for working with me the day before auditions...and for being one of like three familiar faces in those first days in the musical.

Thank you, for running the most benevolent online community I've ever been a part of. For putting up with my angst and anger as I found my way about growing up...and for having a great sense of humor.

Thank you for being the weirdest kid I've ever met in my life. For having the oddest sense of humor, an even odder perception of reality, and for those moments in Chem AP when the whole class wanted to murder you, teacher included. Thanks for inviting me to your church...and for giving me a radical new outlook on my religion. Thanks for coming to my Sectional wrestling meet and cheering me on to my very last victory. Thanks, too, for being an oxymoron of morals.

Thank you for responding to virtually every post I make on this website. It's nice and reassuring to know that I'm not just yelling into a dark void, as it sometimes seems...oh, and thanks for your kick-ass letter...and for not getting mad because I haven't gotten around to replying yet (I swear, I will!).

Thank you for being such a friendly, random person. For an English tart, you really aren't that bad :-p. Totally joking, you're awesome. Incredibly personable, nice, and undeniably unAmerican. Thanks for being so cool.

Thanks for posting so frequently on Lj. I enjoy reading your posts even though I rarely comment on them. Thanks also, for being such a nerd, and for being one of the only people I truly feel comfortable discussing such things as Harry Potter with.

Thank you for leaving me freshman year of high school. I hated you passionately for a long time because of that, but if not for that, I doubt I would've ever done so many of the things I did. I drowned myself in sports, music, and video games to escape my broken heart. Did it work? absolutely not, but I managed alot of things I don't think I could've ever done without the motivation you provided me with. I no longer hold any malice toward you and wish you the very best. I don't think I ever told you that and I might never.

Thank you for being equal to me in musical eccentricity. Thank you for understanding my need to listen to blues, classical music, thrash metal, country, and gangsta rap, all within a 20 minute timespan. For sending me that package a year and and a half ago...and for generally being a really cool person these last four years. Thanks for being a source of wisdom for me...and for being a fellow musician I can discuss music-related things with. Rock on, sister.

Thanks to you for being the highlight of the twilight of my high school days. Things went downhill pretty quickly, but the few good times there were still linger in my head and on every nerve ending throughout. Thanks for being an inspiration for me to play even though I never came through on a promise I made to you once. And for leaving such an impression that to this day, I still miss you dearly. Thanks for

Thank you for not murdering me in cold blood when I puked in your car this past weekend. You deserve a fucking olympic medal just for that gesture of kindness.

Thank you all, folks, for all being friends of mine at one point or another in my life...some of you I still speak with now regularly...some sparingly...some not at all. Even so, if you've merited a few words here on this page, you've affected the way i think, act, or do things...I mean, I've always believed that a big part of who you are is shaped by those you encounter...and most of you, I think, have affected me in a positive way...so thanks :)

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Nov. 23rd, 2005 @ 12:53 am (no subject)

This entry is solely an excuse to get some feedback on my writing...enclosed in this entry is a piece I wrote that I need to turn in for a grade in a week. Please, please, please offer some constructive criticisms. Thanks.

( Read more... )

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Nov. 18th, 2005 @ 01:10 pm (no subject)

Current Mood:

frustrated
Current Music: Cicatriz Esp - The Mars Volta

Good news.

I'm joining up with a few other musicians I've met on campus and we might be doing this Experimental Indie Rock thing for a while. Best part about my week, by FAR.

Also, I've discovered the silkily sinister sounds of the Mars Volta. I highly recommend you all listen to them. right now.

But there's a light on in chicago
and I know I should be home

4 days. woo.

Fuck, this entry needs to be massively edited and improved upon. but i have music right now, so I'll do that later.

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Nov. 15th, 2005 @ 12:58 am I'm the cock of the walk, baby! I've gotta have more cowbell!

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<edited:>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

<<<Edited: I just remembered, it seems a group of us (myself, Derrick, and Kavit) are going to be going to Mandler's period 7 class next Wednesday to talk to you guys. I will be offering such sage wisdom as "Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you're in the clear" and "Never enter your room if there's a sock on the doorknob".

So yeah. I'll be coming to see you guys...actually...are there any males on livejournal? ...wtf. I have one on my friend's list, and he's way out in bumfuck, england. So really, he doesn't count. Err...alright, end of the edit >>>

Not much to post about since my last entry...really, barely enough to merit an entry, but here goes.

I've got an icon now :) It's my dream guitar. You know, besides the one I already have. It's the same thing, really, just the upgraded model (the 1500 dollar variety). Such a sweet guitar. Plays like a fucking dream.

Okay, now that that's aside, let me tell you about my night. So I spent all night doing my damn physics homework on Sunday...light waves and oscillations. I finished around 5am, went for a run, showered, ate breakfast, and went to class. First on the list was EAS...where we were spoken to by the Dean of Mechanical Engineering, Marek Dollar. His name may as well have been Boris. He spoke like a Russian Yoda, reversing all his sentences in a heavy accent that made me think Commie red and yellow streamers were going to start coming down from the ceiling.

After that flashback to the Cold War, i went to physics...where my teacher told me that the homework was going to be moved to THURSDAY. Son of a BITCH.

I went to Calc. I hate calc.

Then I came back and started working on my paper for my music class. 3 pages, 3 hours to do it in. I even had time to watch the new G3 concert DVD. So I went to music at 2 with my just-made paper in hand and approach my instructor:

"Dr. Tanner?"
"Yes?"
"Here you are."
"Er...actually, I'm going to make it due on Wednesday."
"Oh...do we have a quiz today?"
"Nope."
"Okay, bye"

and i left. i came back to the dorm, plugged my guitar into the basement, and played for a good 6 or so hours

Mind you, i still haven't slept. I'mma go do some of that now.

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Nov. 13th, 2005 @ 05:33 pm (no subject)

Current Music: Man on the Side - John Mayer (SIC?)

I'm not going to lie, I was pretty surprised at the number of people who actually read this thing.

And for the most part, that's a pleasant surprise. I mean, I didn't really expect that many people to respond, thanks to those of you who did though :) For a 'lil while, I've felt like I've just been having a conversation with Miss Stina over there...which isn't so bad, mind you, but I'm inclined to be less careful in what I say when my nearest reader is off in Oregon (no offense to you, of course...maybe you understand what I mean :))

At any rate, maybe I should be a little more careful in what I say. Although in the same respect, I don't feel I should be uncomfortable in posting my unadulterated thoughts on this damn thing.

Julio's drinking tips (part # 3,611): If the need should arise to urinate in public, choose your spot wisely.

Urinating away from a street is a good idea.

Urinating a backyard of a house with all the lights on and an open window less than 5 ft from where your standing is a bad idea and will probably end in your being chased down like Jason Bourne.

So I'm coming home from a party last night...stumbling my way back to the dorm, y'know. And in the space of two steps, I went from "empty bladder" to "gonna 'splode. Now."

So I went, "SHIT. Gottapeegottapeegottapeegottapee...", found a nice tree away from the street in a fenced in area, and had at it. So as I'm pissing, I look at my surroundings...I kinda chuckled when I realized I was in a backyard...the chuckle died a bit when I noticed the lights on in the house...died completely when I noticed there was an open window literally 5 feet away from me...and when I turned the other way into a bright flashlight in my eyes, I almost shat myself. I took off like a bat out of hell. I didn't stop 'til I was almost at Bell Tower.

So the moral of the story is...fuck. I gave you the moral first. Ah well.

Anyway, I have a hangover. That's why this entry is as disjointed as it is...my stomach hurts, my head hurts, and I'm unhappy.

Oh, and for those of you who are like my British friend over there, let me clarify. I am not doing drugs. I am not a druggie. I am not going to go experiment right this second on cocaine and heroin.

However, I don't think it's right to not to drugs just because someone said it was a bad idea. So I will probably try one or more eventually (probably sometime over the next four years). And I'll be sure to fill you guys in on the experience. Empircal evidence is the best way to justify to myself that I shouldn't do drugs, wouldn't you agree?

Ahhh...now then. I think I'll do some quizzes.

( Quiz, quiz, quiz... )

Er. That's pretty much it for now. Oh, and starting in like...6 and a half hours, i'm no longer going to be Gitarzan16x on AIM. Add the new name. I COMMAND YOU.

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Nov. 11th, 2005 @ 01:32 pm (no subject)

It occured to me this afternoon that I'd probably be interested in drug experimentation.

Not an addiction...and anything besides alcohol, I'd never use more than once. But...there's a nagging curiosity in me.

You know, to see what the hype is.

I mean, they call it ECSTASY for christ's sake. They don't call it "kinda cool" or "alright"...they named it for the feeling you get when on it.

Brilliant.

That's probably not a desirable trait.

Oh well.

Say, does anyone actually read this thing? IE, did anyone actually read my last entry? just curious. no need to respond if you don't want to. and if you haven't read it yet, there's no need to go back now just because I implied that it should be read.

Sometimes I don't know if I'm writing more for myself or more for you readers. I hope it's for myself because there's so little interaction with the rest of my LJ friend's list...i mean, Stina may very well be the only regular reader as far as i'm aware.

I can't wait to go to Cincy tomorrow. I fucking love guitar center. fucking LOVE it. So much so that I get this pathetic, almost post-coital depression afterward. Gah, it's going to be a blast.

So I have two options for tonight...get loaded or play guitar.

loaded.

guitar.

alcohol.

guitar.

guitar and alcohol.

what a novel idea.

I'm off. Ev’ry street you walk on
I leave tear stains on the ground
Following the girl I didn’t even want around!

Hey now. don't laugh. Michael had some good shit when he was still black.

Anyway, off to the library. I need literature. Also, I'm taking any book recommendations if you have any.

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Nov. 10th, 2005 @ 08:31 pm (no subject)

Current Music: Jelly 292

Lay aside all placid pretenses of concordant amity. We perpetuate our illusions of harmony with one another for the sake of peace. A misnomer. A fallacy. This deluded thinking causes unrest and stress within the manic mind of the weary, restless spirit, thoroughly ravaging him. I perceive in this moment that when we cater to others in hopes of winning their affections, their favor, that we destroy our freedom. You see, there's something inherent in human nature that causes us to do foolish things, and my flaw with respect to that is my desire to always be benevolent toward those I love, without regard for myself. It's a noble idea, in theory, except that I am human. This conditional unrest, this frustration with unreciprocation often manifests itself in anger and hatred. Pounce. Like the jaws of a beartrap, my bitterness unleashes words like daggers on those aforementioned loved ones. In this, I promote the very ideas I set out to combat. Like a soldier on a foreign battlefield, I'm a product of desires I don't understand, and it's only after the fact that I realize I've been fighting against everything I thought I stood for. Taken advantage of? Hardly. I take advantage of myself.

Sleepless nights grow to weeks and months as I fail to break away, yet these bars are held in place by the desire to live out fantasies that have only ever existed in this cell. My mistake in escaping is running, running hellaciously full sprint, head down, doggedly trying to outrun my yearnings. Not this time. Today I will try, as I have repeatedly over the space of howeverlong...but this time, I will walk. Walk slowly, deliberately, and proudly away. And really, that's always the difference. Attitude. The one factor I have control over no matter what the circumstance, is my attitude toward what life slaps me in the face with.

I walk alone, as I should and need to. As any artist with a substancial message must. Gone are the attempts to fit in, to adjust, to sacrifice. My happiest days in life were those when I could reasonably see myself hopping the train two streets over from my little tacky house in Franklin Park to see where it would take me and feel no remorse or attachments that I'd hold onto. I need to return to those days. When my best friend was a pen, my true love was a pair of running shoes, and my lust: my sleek red guitar.

And I shall. I'll continue to be a Mechanical Engineering major because it's empircally sound. It's static. It won't change, to the best of my knowledge. I mean, it might, over the course of my life, because nothing is infallible, but compared to my true passions, it is more reliable, as my beliefs are dynamic and everchanging based on my experiences as I progress through life. I can't rely on myself to always be as fervent and as passionate about guitar, about writing, about most things, because my views mature and distort themselves constantly, but I can rely on myself to always be blandly interested in engineering. And that's good enough for me, I think, for something that I'll be doing for a living. That way, I won't taint my greatests interests with the prospect of finances, and my passion will remain unadulterated for as long as it's my passion.

To some extent, we're all fundamentalists, each and every one of us. We are all true believers in something. How we let those beliefs interact with our experiences and the daily evidence we're given in support of or in refuse for these beliefs craft our words, actions, and thoughts. We can, as I did, choose to remain ignorant to empircal evidence showing us that what we stand for is false or an invalid path of thought. Or we can recognize our imperfections that are so characteristic of our species and know that knowledge is a fluid concept, and that no stance is ever infallible, and can at any time, be shocked into invalidity by new data.

So that's the end of my little ditty there. I forgot what my point was...oh yeah. It's that my new AIM screenname is "EclecticEargasm"...feel free to message me on it if you'd like, I can't figure out how to copy and paste my list into my new AIM account, so I'll just advertise on Gitarzan16x for a few days and hope you all get the idea. Who knows, I might not even switch.

Now then, after this asskicker of a week, I'm going to drink like a mother fucking rock star.

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Nov. 9th, 2005 @ 12:30 am (no subject)

Assignment: Write a narrative argument.

Well, shit I have no idea how to do that. So I got to work after 2 nights of no sleep and an early morning run. So far, I have a narrative that's coming along alright...there's absolutely no argument, but hey, it's a start

( Work in progress )

In other news, I registered for classes today.

Chem 141 MWF 8-8:50am
Chem 144L F 1-3:50pm
Engineering and Applied Sciences 102 MW 9-9:50am
Physical Fitness and Nutrtion 120G MF 10-10:50am
Physics 182 MTRF 11-11:50am
Chem 144 (lab) F 1-3:50pm
Physics 184 (lab) T 3-4:50pm
EAS 102 (lab) 3-4:50pm
Mathematics 231 TR 5:30-6:45pm

Just...just shoot me. Really. In the forehead or the heart. Make it quick and painless, like a double shot of novicane. Please.

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Nov. 6th, 2005 @ 03:54 am Just because this beats the fuck out of doing physics homework.

Current Mood:

blank
Current Music: The Clairvoyant - Iron Maiden

You know, I actually had a real entry typed up.

3 seperate times.

But I didn't like what I said...so I just hit the X and forgot about it

Sooooo...I decided to just answer a bunch of questions to quell my urge to type for now.

1* First grade teacher's name: I skipped first grade. :-p

2* Last words you said: ...I can't remember.

3* Last song you sang: Satellite by Strung Out

4* Last person you hugged: My mommy

5* Last thing you laughed at: Myself

6* Last time you said I dont remember: I don't remember :(

7* Last time you cried: Hm. I don't know. It could've been a couple of days ago, it could've been a week and a half ago, depending on your definition of a day.

9* What color socks are you wearing: white

10* What's under your bed: my roommate's bed

11* What time did you wake up today: 8:00am (fucking parents calling)

12* Current taste: water

13* Current hair: nappy

15* Current annoyance: my stomachache

16* Current longing: now, now, that's a bit more into my head than i want you fuckers travelling. nosy sons of bitches.

17* Current desktop background: Chicago's skyline :)

18* Current worry: Going back home

19* Current hate: my ambivalence(s)

20* Current favorite articles of clothing: my Miami hoodie...my smiley-face boxers. they're a violent shade of yellow and...you know. i'm going to stop talking about my underwear now.

21* Favorite physical feature of the preferred sex: fuckifiknow. it's really about the wholistic impression i get.

22* Last CD that you listened to: Thrice - Vheissu

23* Favorite place to be: mm, anywhere warm and cozy, i guess

24* Least favorite place: Fucking Wisconsin.

25* Time you wake up in the morning: anywhere between 3am and 2pm

26* If you could play an instrument: i'm perfectly happy with guitar, thanks. although i'd like to pick up piano again :(

27* Favorite color: Green

28* Do you believe in a heaven: Yeah

29* How tall are you: 6'1"

30* Current favorite word/saying: "Nigga, I don't know that shit!"

31* Favorite book: Kindly Inquisitors by Jonathan Rauch. I recommend every last one of you read it.

32* Favorite season: Spring. But i'm a big fan of summer rain...that's not really a season

33* One person from the past you wish you could go back and talk to: You know, about 3 weeks ago, I would've answered this differently. But for now, I'll go with Jim Morrison. Just because it would be infinitely cooler than reading a book about him.

34*FUTURE: Mech. Engineer, probably. Maybe I'll hit a stroke of talent/luck/genius and I'll be an artist of sorts like I really want to be.

35* Where do you want to go for college? MU Ohio's cool by me

36* What is your career going to be like: Intense and dynamic

37* How many kids do you want to have: somewhere in the neighborhood of 0 to ashitload.
*HAVE YOU EVER...*

39* Said "I love you": Yep.

40* Gotten in a fight with your dog/cat/bird/fish? sometimes with my dog

41* Been to New York: Nope, never

42* Been to Florida: Nah

43* Been to California: Yes. Fuckin' A, man, I've gotta go back sometime.

44* Been to Hawaii: I would love to go

45* Been to Mexico: Nope. and i don't want to, really.

46* Been to China: No, but i'd like to.

48* Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: Thankfully not. maybe I'll share all my fucked up dreams with you guys sometime.

*RANDOM*

52* Do you have a crush on someone: There's no proof. NONE.

53* What book are you reading now? Jim Morrison: Life, Death, Legend

54* Worst feeling in the world: Knowing you're the cause of your own laments

55* What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning? it varies with the dream

56* How many rings before you answer your house phone? no house phone aqui...

57* Future daughter's name: possibly Sapphira

58* Future son's name: definately something that's NOT Julio

59* Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: No, but i've been known to clutch my pillow and talk to it when drunk

60* If you could have any job you wanted: A musician or a poet

61* Wish you were here: Hm. Don't really feel like going there.

62* College plans: Beats me :-p

63* Piercings: none

*THE EXTRA STUFF*

64* Do you do drugs: Just the occasional drink

67* What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner do you use: Suave Naturals Milk and Honey :-p No joke, it's good shit, just started using it like a month ago.

68* What are you most scared of: Eh, alot of things scare me. We'll go with spiders.

69* What clothes do you sleep in: just boxers

70* Who is the last person that called you: my mom

71* Where do you want to get married: Well, assuming I want to get married, possibly in Venice. or in the Andalucia sector of Spain. or in Simi Valley, California. it's really pretty there.

72* If you could change anything about yourself what would that be: To stop being so...paranoid. angry. rash. there are a thousand different adjectives i could put here.

73* Who do you really hate: Noone :)

74* Been In Love: Y'know, that's really a question of definition...so i'm going to go with an "I don't fucking know"

75* Are you timely or always late: I usually end up being early

76* Do you have a job: Student?

77* Do you like being around people: Generally, no. And as their numbers increase, I like it less. But one-four people is ideal for my personal comfort level.

78* Best feeling in the world: I don't know about the best feeling in the world...but I know about the best feeling I've experienced! Thankfully, that wasn't the question, so I'm not obliged to share it with you :)

79* Are you for world peace: Sure, but I don't think it will ever happen.

80* Are you a health freak: I was.

81* Do you have a "Type" of person you always go after: Mmm, nah.

82* Do you want someone you don't have? Yeah, thanks for bringing it up, asswipe.

83* Are you lonely right now: If I answered yes to the above question, what do you think?

84* Ever afraid you'll never get married: It's not really a fear, but i'm uncertain about my martial qualities.

85* Do you want to get married: We'll see

86* Do you want kids? Possibly

*IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU...*

87* Cried: No

88* Bought Something: yep

89* Gotten Sick: No

90* Sang: yep

91* Said I Love You: To my mommy

92* Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them: Nah.

93* Met Someone: New? No.

94* Moved On: Nah

95* Talked To Someone: Surely

96* Had A Serious Talk: No

97* Missed Someone: Ah, that's a perpetual feeling, isn't it? No, is it just me? I doubt it. Surely everyone misses someone most of the time?

98* Hugged Someone: yep

99* Yelled at Someone: Not that I know of

100* Dreamt About Someone You Can't Be With: In the past 48 hours? I'm not sure...but definately recently. Actually, yes. This afternoon.

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Nov. 2nd, 2005 @ 03:31 am (no subject)

Current Mood:

indescribable
Current Music: Her Name In Blood - Strung Out

I've really gotta do something about those damn suns.

As a silhouetted illusion of the blue nirvana in mind
Ever I wander with the blue guitar through moonless nights

dropping down to earth the melody of as is silence
and listening to the sounds of fuzzy mind

picked up my guitar at 5 this evening...and i haven't put it down yet. 10 hours of making my fingers feel the weight and pain for once, my heart's taken enough of a beating over these 18 years ;)

Oh, hey, good luck to those participating in NaNaWriMo this year (just Mittenish and Kimnext as far as i'm aware, are there any others?).

i've always loved this song...this version is covered, so the timing is a bit off...still sounds ok though

ahhhhh...guitar :) it's one of those "passion" kinda things, i guess.

oh, and if i haven't mentioned this already, Strung Out is an awesome band
Mother Mary, bury me in a place they'll never find
I kill only what I love and what I love was never mine...

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Oct. 31st, 2005 @ 02:21 pm Worthless.

My roommate and I redefined the word "worthless" today...

we woke up...at 2pm. Missed every single class .

ugh.

I'm so pissed at myself.

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Oct. 31st, 2005 @ 02:25 am hah.

gitarzan16x's Halloween party:

__joyous__ dressed as a KLEL-AM 972 employee.
_bumblebtuna dressed as a camel.
aperfectsong gets drunk, strips naked, and somehow emerges dressed as a disturbing self-made character called "Buttercup Stinkerfanny".
arxh dressed as Thomas Jefferson.
bieshmahaw didn't even show up and doesn't get any candy.
chicaj5705 dressed as a executive dead chicken waver.
delikat dressed as Anna Nicole Smith.
dusqi dressed as a HA&G ElectronicsCo. employee, and it suited them disturbingly well.
hadji_hajek dressed as Howard Stern riding a giraffe.
kimnext dressed as a can of Coke.
kisstin dressed as Tiffani-AmberThiessen.
lizzab dressed as someone called "Gerald Degonia", but you've never heard of them before.
mittenish dressed as a giant pixie.
seraphicmirth dressed as a safety for the Lions.
status dressed as Gillian Anderson.
the_big_l dressed as a ghost.
toriidorri dressed as the Latex Power Ranger.
urmyprfctdrug dressed as a character from Harry Potter and the Prince of Omaha.

Throw your own party at the Hallomeme!
Created with phpNonsense

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Oct. 30th, 2005 @ 12:44 pm (no subject)

I'll start this entry by renouncing liquor. At least until thanksgiving weekend.

Why?

I'm doing it for the wrong reasons, really. I'm drinking to forget, to let go. To have fun, yes, but to rid myself of the problems that inhibit my good moods. This rarely works. And that feeling I have when I crawl into bed...that feeling of being utterly alone...just becomes more pronounced. Furthermore, I'm a really annoying drunk. With a BAC of .2 or whatever, I suddenly feel that I have to say something to ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY EVERYONE. I haven't even checked the list of people I called last night. I don't want to. I'm sure it's much longer than i'd like to to be.

Oh well. It's for the best, I guess.

In other news...actually...I'm not going to hit that topic just now. I'll just end here.

Happy Halloween.

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Oct. 26th, 2005 @ 03:32 am (no subject)

Current Mood:

lethargic

Another late night in Oxford.

I'm taking a short break between my physics lab hwk and my calc II hwk to type to myself a bit. :) This all-night business is becoming pretty regular :-/. For those of you who may've considered sending me mail, I'd recommend sending caffeine in an otherwise empty envelope. Forgo letters, postcards, pictures, CDs and just pour in black, unfiltered coffee grinds into the fricken' paper. That being said, 'Stina, I got your letter, thanks very much :-D I'll write back as soon as I can :)

So as I sit on this perfectly lonely night, my mind gets a bit teary-eyed nostalgic. And it occurs to me that one of my worst flaws (if you overlook the worrying, the insomnia, the procrastination, etc, etc :-p) is how I tie things together. How can I describe this better...oh. Case in point. Every time I smell freshly-cut grass, think about the north side of the 2nd floor of East Leyden, or hear "Drive" from Incubus, I can't help but think of September 11th. I mean, that one isn't so bad; I use it because it's something we all feel similarly about, or can at least understand where there might be some dissent in thinking about it, but it's not just global atrocities like that that strike me such, but smaller, more personal things as well. I can relate all sorts of otherwise totally mundane shit to personal trauma that I choose not to discuss here (i've already given you an example, you jackass.). Is there a point? Kind of. At the end of the last paragraph, when I went to type in what music I was listening to, I realized that if i wrote down my Mellow Yellow playlist, noone would understand what the hell I was talking about, and that if I wrote out every song, noone would understand how I could possibly stay up with a combination of that music and something as boring as Calculus...well, I once used this playlist for sleep. I have never been able to fall asleep to this because of the images and memories more than half of these songs jog to memory. It doesn't help either when the songs are explictly passionate as well, it doesn't matter if the emotions they try to evoke match up with mine or not, the fact that they evoke raw emotion is enough. Furthermore, music is such a powerful medium for me that it doesn't even necessarily have to be the exact SONG. Maybe just the same artist, if they have a distinct sound and that issue of my life needs to be watered down before taken down like a shot of 151. The point of that twisted exercise is to keep me tormented (but awake) long enough to get my work done. And the point of this exercise (the act of writing a description) is to take my mind off of my mind.

Has it worked? For these few minutes. But I'll be back to work in a minute :)

Whatever happens to me from here on out, I will always know that music was my very first drug in every sense of the word.

So, in order:

Anthem Of Our Dying Day (Story of the Year)
Sugar, We're Going Down (FOB)
Soul to Squeeze (RHCP)
Brown Eyed Girl (Van Morrison)
My Name Is Jonas (Weezer)
Wish You Were Here (Pink Floyd)
Hallelujah (Rufus Wainwright)
Layla-acoustic (Clapton)
Freegan (Bigwig)
Ruby Tuesday (The Rolling Stones)
Hotel California (The Eagles)
If I Could Be Like That (3 Doors Down)
American Pie (Don McLean)
Sink, Florida, Sink (Against Me)
Castles Made of Sand (The Jimi Hendrix Experience)
The Freshman (The Verve Pipe)
3 A.M. (Matchbox 20)
Don't Stop Believing (Journey)

And on that note, this weary soul drops his heart and bids good night.

Phuckin' physics. :-p

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Oct. 26th, 2005 @ 02:54 am A post just for Stina

there ya go :-p

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Oct. 25th, 2005 @ 01:55 am Picture Post.

The entrance to my room.

Hah. Hahahahahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

The less than enticing state of said room :-p

Roommate bonding :)

I'm Julie :(

Hahahahaha...there's a story here. I'll share it when i'm not so goddamn tired.

Tony Cirone, the conductor of the San Francisco Symphony Orchestra.

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Oct. 24th, 2005 @ 05:10 am Weirdness.

Current Mood: happyish
Current Music: Salsa De Noche - Jesse Cook

We call this a teaser.

at 5:10 am, I wrote a short entry, illustrating how weird and wacky my weekend has been, but not quite describing it in detail, because what isn't listed below requires far more explanation than I'd care to work through at this time of the morning, especially after my last all-nighter entry (yow.).

Anyway, I finished my english work that was the Sunday night project this week. It's shit because I think I used up my good writing giving an elaborate replication of the first time I got drunk. Maybe I'll turn that into an english journal. FUCK. I thought I was done with these shits. Gr. Ah well.

Around 2am, I wandered into Tom's room en route to taking a piss and proceeded to have a lengthy discussion about the worthlessness of high school.

He's a good guy, particularly because of his eclectic music tastes...he's in the marching band here, a damn good trumpet...eer? i might add.

So I just got in from a run...and my liver hates me. I haven't felt this winded since...wow. I can't even remember. I'm sure part of it is due to the fact that it's so cold and rainy out, and my lungs constricted, but part of it wasn't. And that kind of sucks.

Okay, this entry is useless. I should just delete it. Pfft, forget it. I had a reason for writing it, and it had to do with my weekend...oh. Yeah, it was like something out a movie. Meaning that it didn't seem like it fit in with the general trend of the way thing's've been going. Did I enjoy it? Mostly. Not all the time. There were awkward, strange, and ugly moments, but overall, I think every moment of this weekend was necessary. Every good, bad, crapass thing that happened. If i'm making no sense, it's because it's 6:47am. I'll just delete this after I've had some sleep probably...

Hm. OH. my pictures get developed tomorrow. Are you excited? Well, you should be. They're...interesting. :)

"So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?"

Jeez.

I'm soakin' wet for the 2nd time tonight.

And for the 2nd time tonight, i'm not happy about it. Going to get a shower then get to class.

3 classes...3 classes, then i'm done.

Oh, and as an afterthought, this was the advice my roommate had to me tonight: "When you get done with your work, you know what you should do..."

"What?"

"Have a couple of 'relaxation shots'."

"...are you serious?"

"Yeah man, just a couple, just to help you sleep."

""a couple"?"

"Yeah, anywhere between two and eight."

It's a wonder he's not on a dialysis. Alright, I'm going to go salsa to the shower.

That's right.

Salsa.

6:57. shit.

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Oct. 23rd, 2005 @ 09:34 am hmmm...

Current Mood:

confused

Hey :D

Here's a list of things I'd like to remember about last night:

-Where my cell phone went
-How I ended up with a copy of the Wall Street Journal
-Where my ID is
-Why I have Teddy Grahams
-If the Teddy Graham mess down the hall has anything to do with the box I have
-Where the gash in my hand came from

The Jungle Party was off da hook.

Yo.

Holy shit, what was I thinking logging into AIM last night? I confused this girl Kelly with Wallo from back home.

Wow.

Ugh, I'm tired, I have a sore throat, etc, etc, etc

Back to bed.

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Oct. 22nd, 2005 @ 03:32 am (no subject)

Current Mood:

indescribable
Current Music: La Fiesta

But then a song like this comes along and cheers me up. :D.

...but seriously. this sucks. even my guitar doesn't cheer me up anymore. fuckin' a, man.

I should just forget about...fuck, I don't even know where I was going with that sentence.

"My meat is murder"...*snicker*...

I'm such an immature kid sometimes.

Or all the time. o.O

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Oct. 22nd, 2005 @ 03:01 am My night in AIM messages

Current Mood:

angry
Current Music: Haitian Fight Song

At 7pm, Julio was sober.

1/3 of a bottle of 99 proof schnapps, 2 beers, a shot of whiskey, and a shot of 151 later, Julio was...well...

StruckMatro (11:13:10 PM): hehy
StruckMatro (11:13:12 PM): yopu
StruckMatro (11:13:14 PM): are
StruckMatro (11:13:18 PM): locked out of your room
StruckMatro (11:13:20 PM): duimassd

(that's me messaging myself from someone else's computer)

Gitarzan16x: i hate my life.
Oakey686: bahahah
Oakey686: you still alive?
Gitarzan16x: i sobered up before i got in my room.
Gitarzan16x: that's the worst feeling ever.
Gitarzan16x: i vaguely remember lying down on your floor...somersaulting into a door...and passing out on some random bed.
Oakey686: yeah, that's pretty much the sparknotes version

It's been a long night.

I was feeling dandy...and locking myself out of my room TOTALLY killed my buzz. I'm still sloshed, but not buzzin' at all.

guh.

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Oct. 21st, 2005 @ 12:45 am Title of the Song

Declaration of my feelings for you
Elaboration on those feelings
Description of how long these feelings have existed
Belief that no one else could feel the same as I
Reminiscence of the pleasant times we shared
And our relationship's perfection
Recounting of the steps that led to our love's dissolution
Mostly involving my (unfaithfulness and lies )
Penitent admission of wrongdoing
Discovery of the depth of my affection
Regret over the lateness of my epiphany

Title of the song
Naïve expression of love
Reluctance to accept that you are gone
Request to turn back time
And rectify my wrongs
Repetition of the title of the song

Enumeration of my various transgressive actions
Of insufficient motivation
Realization that these actions led to your departure
And my resultant lack of sleep and appetite
Renunciation of my past insensitive behavior
Promise of my reformation
Reassurance that you still are foremost in my thoughts now
Need for instructions how to gain your trust again
Request for reconciliation
Listing of the numerous tasks that I'd perform
Of physical and emotional compensation

Title of the song
Naïve expression of love
Reluctance to accept that you are gone
Request to turn back time
And rectify my wrongs
Repetition of the title of the song

Acknowledgment that I acted foolishly
Increasingly desperate pleas for your return
Sorrow for my (infidelity)
Vain hope that my sins are forgivable
Appeal for one more opportunity
Drop to my knees to elicit crowd response
Prayers to my chosen deity
Modulation and I hold a high note...

Title of the song
Naïve expression of love
Reluctance to accept that you are gone
Request to turn back time
And rectify my wrongs
Repetition of the title of the song

http://www.losergeek.org/~kelso/MinistryofTruth/Davinci's%20Notebook%20-%20A%20Rhetorical%20and%20Structural%20Analysis%20of%20.mp3

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Oct. 16th, 2005 @ 03:10 am Coming home for Homecoming

Current Music: Strung Out - Satellite

Ahhh...I told myself I'd delete my livejournal and walk away from it. Not use it anymore. But you know, sometimes I just need to get these things out without running to a deaf ear.

So I rolled into town on Thursday in a pimpin' Toyota Corolla. I then proceeded to hit up my favorite Elmhurst wing joint (BWW's!) with Derrick, KC, and Nick...that was enjoyable, always feel comfortable there...So i went home and talked for a while while debating whether or not to visit my old home on Rose Street the next day...I concluded around midnight that I would make an attempt to sit in on some classes, say hi, and all that jazz...

So I close my eyes...

...and the next thing I know it's 2pm.

Crap.

So I went for a run...just 3/3.5 miles, no big deal...and on my way back, i landed funny on my ankle and heard 4 or 5 little popping sounds. Yeah, it's kinda sprained. It's a mild sprain, but a sprain nonetheless. I can walk on it, but I have to do so gingerly.

So Mary drove Christine and I to the homecoming game later that evening...that was kind of weird...it's obvious to me that Mary's changed a great deal. To me, she now resembles the girl from Clueless. She went valley-girl on us. Not that that's a bad thing if that's her choice...you know. I never talked to her much anyway, so i was kind of amused at this...change.

So I get to the game and it was definately awkward. Some girl I didn't even know asked me to take a picture with her (how weird is THAT?). I didn't feel like i belonged there at all...all these little kids running around everywhere who apparently go to that school now. Seeing all my old friends and acquaintences, and playing the 30-second catchup game. It's my favorite. Talking to everyone from the administration to my distant friends from the class of '08 was fun though. More than enough Leyden for me for a while though.

So then I went to Denny's with Chris M. and a shitload of other people...most of whom I met through B&B last year...we'll fast forward an hour and a half past that to Bill's house...me, Mueller, Bill and some other guy played poker 'til 3:30am...I drank a few just because it was there, really...I can't stand beer. It's so gross. I'll choke it down if i'm given no alternative, but I love the way hard alcohol burns and warms you up from the inside out.

I'll step off onto a tangent here and share my first drinking experience with ya'll. It wasn't too long ago, actually...it was at the tail end of two shitty weeks in September. Everything I'd grown to cherish and enjoy had come crashing down and I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders...So I decided to let loose for the night. I went to a party with my buddy Marcus from across the hall...we found the fridge and started attacking the supply of Natural Light. I finished either 13 or 14 within 2 hours. At that point, I felt mildly uncomfortable...and then the REST of the alcohol got absorbed into my system. I sat down to watch a game of beer pong and found I could no longer stand up on my own. Once I was helped to my feet, I was okay though, so I stumbled my way for a mile and a half back to my dorm (how I made it there, I have no idea). Upon entering my dorm, I tried finding my room...during that epic adventure, I passed a group of RAs. Scared shitless, I did my best sober impression...unfortunately, I did this impression while hiccupping uncontrollably and reeking of beer. They got a good laugh out of me. So I finally found my room and my roommate had left me a message on the door that indicated he was a-bangin'. Well, fuck. I was feeling pretty sick, so I went across the hall where my buddy Chris was still up for some reason...I walked into the room, he saw the look on my face and instantly sat me down in a chair and pressed a garbage can to my face. I proceeded to pass out on the garbage can for roughly an hour. When I came to, I stood up and announced "I'm not going to puke anymore" and staggered back to my room. I talked to my roommate in my doorway for a few minutes when I felt it. I sprinted back into Chris's room and PROJECTILE VOMITED INTO THE CAN! Chris was so happy he almost shit himself. He said he would've kicked my ass if I would've puked on his floor and in the condition I was in...well, a 4 year old with muscular dystrophy could've kicked my ass.

So after puking another 8 or 9 times, I somehow magically got to my top bunk to pass out. When I woke up, I felt like death. I remained incapacitated in my bed until 3 or 4pm, when i was finally able to walk around without much of a headache, but for the rest of the day, i was unable to form a coherent sentence.

And that's about it for that experience. So I'll step back onto the main point, which was my weekend.

Uhh...I came home and didn't do much all of today. Enjoyed Jamba Juice and real pizza.

I miss Ohio. I can count the number of people I've missed from Chicago on one hand and I haven't even communicated with one of them in...way too long. Sigh.

Alas. I'm sleepy. So instead of saying something meaningful, I'll let song lyrics speak for me; for those of you who've never listened to Strung Out, I highly recommend them...good guitars...emoish group...good times.

"I'll understand if you're not feeling well enough to write
I'll understand if you've got way too many things to do
you see I've been sitting here for an hour trying to finish what I started
Now it seems every line gets harder and never really what I wanna say
So I hope this letter finds you well
It's taken me a little while to sit and spell out everything I wanna say
But I think I'm ready to convey
You're the reason that I play at all
You got me thinking how a song can change it all
If there's any wonder how I made it through
Well I tell them that's between me and you, well
Someday I'll thank you if I see you around
But for now I'll just keep this letter to myself
And a song I'll probably never sing for you
Like a satellite
Spinning 'round my head in sound"

Yeah. That's about the idea.

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Sep. 11th, 2005 @ 12:20 am What a worthless week

Actually, i was just going for the alliterative effect there, the week wasn't totally worthless.

It had it's ups and downs as all these things do, y'know.

School's going well, but i'm the slightest bit behind in english, so i'm going to go to bed shortly then wake up and crack down on it.

My 18th birthday passed a few days ago...and...well, if you weigh the good against the bad from it, i'd say it cancels out to average.

I drank last night! I called up Bob and told him i'd had a few (very disgustingly tasting) beers and he almost did backflips, "Julio?!!? I'm so proud of you. Now go get fucking trashed." He's a bad influence on me, i think :-p

I feel bad for my buddy Derrick, stuck at home (DePaul) all by himself...I'm definately looking forward to coming back and seeing him in a little over a month...

yow. i feel like a train wreck. oh, and if any of you cool, cool cats are at all Myspace savvy, leave me a comment so i can discuss how to manipulate certain things on there with you, jah?

Guten. Do Svydonias.

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